snapshots - the reality of relationships

long forgotten carbo pleasure

2005-07-18T06:12:37+02:00

Raw noodles.. you know the ones that come out of packet with the gross sauce....

My life

2005-07-18T01:53:30+02:00

Hello,
Where should I start. The vitals of me my status in life. Because that is no longer about me. Or should I start with the elements of me. My core?

I am now 30 years old. I have two children - Zoe 4.5 years and Matthew, 2.5 years old. I love my children more than life itself they provide me with such wonder and possibility.
I digress.
Originally from Brisbane we moved to Sydney 15 months ago and for the first time in my life I feel real and whole.

I have a husband Jason who loves us. And works very hard for the family every day. He has a fantastic work ethic and is a very strong smart man.

I love the gym - I live for my step class which brings me such inner joy i have not known since the days of raving! And that was drug induced. It is the only place i can go and forget about the world outside. Here I have met some wonderful friends. You will meet them in time.

I am a student studying commerce at uni - I should be studying psychology or nutrition and health related subjects for that is where my heart lies. Otherwise I am a stay at home mum. Which is wonderful - because I can go to the gym and be with the kids, but bad. Life in Sydney is VERY expensive. Indeed sometimes I feel like a noose wrapped around my neck and is slowly being pulled.

My core value is a strong bond to family - which is not shared by my husband. My mother is my BEST friend. She is like an angel who seems to touch people and bring out the best in them. She is the most uncondtitional person you will ever meet. She makes people happy. And I am the luckiest girl in the world to be her daughter. To be hers, that she is mine. Although she is no-ones. And I am her absolutely hardest project. It seems impossible to her to see me happy. I am not sure what it is. I have trouble being happy when i am with her. Something I will explore over the coming months.

I must go - my daughter has an aweful cough - perhaps asthma. We are going to the doctors.... To be continued....

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cave dwelling

2005-07-18T01:27:25+02:00

We had a wonderful weekend away, right until the 11th hour when I tried to tie up all of the loose ends and ask him to try to be kind to Natalie - or at least reserve all judgement and "have peace". His aura and presence is greater than his words. He insists he says nothing wrong - indeed he says nothing but the way he gets around and fumes under his breath surely says more than any words.

Anyway we had had a few drinks and ended up in an almighty fight. We have only had three like this in our relationship. Whilst he doesn't get violent he verbally abuses. Sure I should be happy that we don't fight all the time and that we get along 93% of the time BUT in those moments I find him swearing at me and putting me down. Nothing I can say is right, indeed everything I say is turned around to mean something else. - I also having had a few drinks and unable to hold it together end up hitting myself. I was vomitting he was upsetting me so much. And it was in that 11th hour that I felt for the first time, what I could have imagined the first time Bob was aweful to you. When it seemed that all efforts and hope were gone. I felt raw and defenceless and honestly not sure what to do or who I was.

In the morning - he says "What were we disagreeing about again?"..... Well I wouldn't say - because I wasn't going to go into it again. To scared he would take the same stance and I still would have no rebuttle. There is no point.

The point is though that I have never seen HATE before... not like the Brocks..... Anyway... And I felt myself becoming unforgiving and I don't trust him with my heart. - he doesn't have my best interests at heart and I can no longer tell him what is on my mind. I have had to be wary always - I don't talk about certain things any time..... but now i can't slip up. Imagine that... I felt the first seed of hate, I have never ever felt hate before. and it wasn't at anyone else it was at him. And as my mind wandered it was preparing myself for the next time we have an altercation like this and how i wouldn't put up with it - i would walk. And when he says why - i could say "you taught me to hate".

Okay so my desire for my "happy family" is not normal - I can not understand why he can't just get along with people who are close to me. Or accept that my need and value for family (including his!) is important to me and because of that he should grin an bear it -= grow with me. Just as I do with his desire for material wealth and his expecatations of me to become soemthing I am not comfortable with (an accountant). I will do and try because it is something intrinisic to him and his core. It is give an take isn't it?

He mentioned in the fight that he would be prepared to see someone over this fight - because he wants to prove he is right. (Although he probably doesn't remember). I want to see someone so that I can grow through my issues (I am sure many are from my childhood and beyond - probably the womb) and I want him to see someone so that he and we can grow through his core issues too. and build as a person. I am so looking forward to this week away as I know he is too. When we get back i am going to tell him about the appointment that I have made for each of us with a shrink or councillor or something.

I have never been a "cave" dweller before - as in men are from mars and go into a cave and women like to come out and talk about it. But I have been dwelling in a cave - unable to come out.

I don't want to live without trust in my heart. I am only just starting to be able to look at him and not feel sick.
That is bad.

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