We had a wonderful weekend away, right until the 11th hour when I tried to tie up all of the loose ends and ask him to try to be kind to Natalie - or at least reserve all judgement and "have peace". His aura and presence is greater than his words. He insists he says nothing wrong - indeed he says nothing but the way he gets around and fumes under his breath surely says more than any words.
Anyway we had had a few drinks and ended up in an almighty fight. We have only had three like this in our relationship. Whilst he doesn't get violent he verbally abuses. Sure I should be happy that we don't fight all the time and that we get along 93% of the time BUT in those moments I find him swearing at me and putting me down. Nothing I can say is right, indeed everything I say is turned around to mean something else. - I also having had a few drinks and unable to hold it together end up hitting myself. I was vomitting he was upsetting me so much. And it was in that 11th hour that I felt for the first time, what I could have imagined the first time Bob was aweful to you. When it seemed that all efforts and hope were gone. I felt raw and defenceless and honestly not sure what to do or who I was.
In the morning - he says "What were we disagreeing about again?"..... Well I wouldn't say - because I wasn't going to go into it again. To scared he would take the same stance and I still would have no rebuttle. There is no point.
The point is though that I have never seen HATE before... not like the Brocks..... Anyway... And I felt myself becoming unforgiving and I don't trust him with my heart. - he doesn't have my best interests at heart and I can no longer tell him what is on my mind. I have had to be wary always - I don't talk about certain things any time..... but now i can't slip up. Imagine that... I felt the first seed of hate, I have never ever felt hate before. and it wasn't at anyone else it was at him. And as my mind wandered it was preparing myself for the next time we have an altercation like this and how i wouldn't put up with it - i would walk. And when he says why - i could say "you taught me to hate".
Okay so my desire for my "happy family" is not normal - I can not understand why he can't just get along with people who are close to me. Or accept that my need and value for family (including his!) is important to me and because of that he should grin an bear it -= grow with me. Just as I do with his desire for material wealth and his expecatations of me to become soemthing I am not comfortable with (an accountant). I will do and try because it is something intrinisic to him and his core. It is give an take isn't it?
He mentioned in the fight that he would be prepared to see someone over this fight - because he wants to prove he is right. (Although he probably doesn't remember). I want to see someone so that I can grow through my issues (I am sure many are from my childhood and beyond - probably the womb) and I want him to see someone so that he and we can grow through his core issues too. and build as a person. I am so looking forward to this week away as I know he is too. When we get back i am going to tell him about the appointment that I have made for each of us with a shrink or councillor or something.
I have never been a "cave" dweller before - as in men are from mars and go into a cave and women like to come out and talk about it. But I have been dwelling in a cave - unable to come out.
I don't want to live without trust in my heart. I am only just starting to be able to look at him and not feel sick.
That is bad.